Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Randomize
