she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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