dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
