I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
