If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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