It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
