mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
