About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Randomize
