I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
