My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
