do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
