i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
