You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
