my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
