Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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