I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
tell me about the eggs
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