Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
