We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
