I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
