he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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