Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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