I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I have feelings that need drinking.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
me + whiskey = a bad person
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
