I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
