you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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