Someone shit on the floor
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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