Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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