I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize