Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
