I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
She even gives head with a lisp.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
