Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
