my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
tell me about the fingering
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
