if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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