I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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