You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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