did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
