So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I know her cup size but not her name....
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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