just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
