Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
