Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
