i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
