i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
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