Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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