I swear god or herbie drove my car home
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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