i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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