If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
