I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
