with your own penis?
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Randomize
