I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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