Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
