I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
