I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I think I sprained my soul last night
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
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