The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
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