I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Randomize
