so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
