Acid is not a monday night drug
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Randomize
