who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
