Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Randomize
