i already hear my dad disowning me
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
