Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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