Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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