Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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