I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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