I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
